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(actors) joe flanigan - blue

chiasmus in freezer_penguin

[complete] How To Avoid An International Incident

Otherwise known as, What I Did Over Summer Vacation

Characters: Niou, Yagyuu
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Crack
Disclaimer: Prince of Tennis and the characters herein are not mine.

Niou grinned in that way he always did when he had come up with a new idea. Yagyuu knew he should brace himself for the worst, but more so he was curious at what the other might possibly have concocted now. That didn't stop him from trying to appear more interested in the book he was reading, even as Niou leaned over his shoulder -- far too close to be decent in public. Yagyuu could feel strands of bleached hair tickle his ear and he resisted the simultaneous urge to push them away and play with them.

"I have a present for you," Niou said the words in a sing-song voice, dropping an unmarked business envelope on Yagyuu's desk. It passed the first test: it wasn't moving. He opened it, expression impassive though he knew it didn't fool Niou for a second. Out he pulled --

"Plane reservations?"

"To Paris."

Yagyuu pushed his glasses up as he inspected the printed sheet further. It seemed legitimate, as far as he could tell, and though Niou was one to go to exacting detail Yagyuu was equally skilled in observation. "I must admit, I'm a bit surprised."

"We leave next Thursday. I even have a passport." Niou added as an afterthought, "A legitimate one, at that."

"Summer break doesn't start for another two weeks," Yagyuu pointed out.

"I know, that's what makes it even better."

"I'll schedule the hotel reservations."

It wasn't until he was cleared customs at the Charles de Gaulle International Airport that Yagyuu let his excitement show, insofar as he ever allowed at least. Paris was one of the cities he had always wanted to go to, and he could even speak the language decently enough to get them around. When Niou grinned at him from the security checkpoint where a handful of guards were searching him, Yagyuu allowed a small smile in return. Once deemed relatively safe to enter the country, Niou slung his backpack over one shoulder and joined Yagyuu.

"I didn't think they'd be that uptight." Niou picked up Yagyuu's duffle bag and draped the strap across his chest. All he had was the backpack, which he said would have everything he needed in it. As far as Yagyuu could tell, it was mostly empty.

Taking his suitcase, Yagyuu walked toward the exit. "Most people don't answer 'do you have anything to declare' with 'I came here for the porn and the arsenic'."

"I wanted to show off my French."

"Is that all you know how to say?"

"All that I can say in polite company."

Yagyuu hailed a taxi and gave the directions to the hotel.

Nearly a ten days had passed. They had seen most of the cultural sights as well as the back alleys and underground clubs. Niou liked Pompidou Center and the time they went to an underground concert where there was barely enough room to breathe; Yagyuu liked Notre Dame and the time they had to navigate across rooftops after someone had called the police concerned about prowlers.

They sat at the cafe Yagyuu favored, at the corner a few blocks away from the hotel. Niou stirred his coffee, one elbow leaning against the table and chin propped in his hand.

"Hey Yagyuu, you like France right?"

"It has been an enjoyable vacation, yes."

"So -- you'd be good with staying here longer?"

"I'd like to, but I doubt we can afford it." Something ticked in the back of Yagyuu's mind and he looked at Niou. "What date are we supposed to be going home anyway?"

"That's the thing. You see, the tickets I bought were just to get us over here."

He stared openly at Niou. Very calmly, he said, "So. They weren't round trip."

Niou shrugged. "We both like Europe, it just means we get to stay longer. No problem with that, right?"

"I'm almost out of money." Yagyuu felt oddly at peace -- as though he weren't stranded in a foreign country with no means to get home.

"So? I haven't really had any money this whole trip." Niou grinned. "Don't worry, we'll figure something out."

"And what exactly do you have in mind?"

"I know German."

Part of Yagyuu hadn't really believed Niou until they were about to cross the border into Germany. They had hitched a ride the majority of the way, from a man Niou had met in a bar the night before. He spent most of the time driving in a tirade against the sun, and swerving out of the way when he realized he was in the wrong lane. For his part, Yagyuu managed to maintain his outward composure most of the ride. This wasn't helped by the fact that Niou kept cheering whenever they made a particularly narrow escape.

It still wasn't as bad as the twenty mile stretch Niou drove after their driver had pulled off on the side of the road to rid himself of the contents of his stomach.

When they were dropped off a few miles outside of Strasburg, Yagyuu had a new appreciation for being on solid ground.

The sun was starting to set, and they decided to call it a day. Yagyuu checked into a youth hostel, stowed their backpacks - he still couldn't remember what happened to the rest - and joined Niou outside. Niou tossed him an apple and offered him half a baguette. Taking both, he put the fruit in his pocket for later and said, "So. We're almost in Germany."

"Yep." Niou bit a large chunk out of his part of the bread. "Soon I'll find us work."

"We don't have visas, otherwise I could have done that while we were in France."

"Yeah, see, that's the thing. The kind of French you know won't get us the type of jobs that won't ask for visas, but the kind of German I know will."


Not off-put in the least, Niou tilted his head to one side. "You'll make a good barmaid."

It wasn't often that Yagyuu was left speechless, but he found he was too horrified to reply.

Plotting Niou's demise occupied Yagyuu's mind to a degree. He didn't often hold grudges, but this? This was going to cost him thousands of dollars in therapy and no end of energy put into memory repression, assuming they (or at least he) somehow made it out alive.

Niou walked into the back where Yagyuu stood scowling resolutely at the tray of drinks as though that would somehow make them deliver themselves so he would be spared the humiliation. Yagyuu didn't look up when the other entered, nor when he spoke through grit teeth, "I still don't see how you convinced them I was a girl."

"I told them you were my sister, so they'd let us share the room. A little flat-chested, and that you were just acting like a guy because it was a bit of a sensitive spot for you, but given the chance you'd pretty up real well."

"That still doesn't explain why they believed you."

"They didn't. But the owner of the bar - who also offered us the extra room in his house - said some guys like that sort of thing, and it'd bring in customers either way."

"So why aren't you the one wearing this?" He gestured emphatically at the corseted green dress and the poofy short-sleeved shirt beneath.

"Because they handed me the lederhosen first."

Before the impulse to throttle Niou won out, Yagyuu steeled his nerves and picked up the tray.

Niou called out after him, "I'll let you wear my hat if it'll make you feel any better."

He was tempted to tell Niou what would make him feel better, but a gentleman didn't say those sorts of things.

The pay was good, Yagyuu had to admit. He made a lot in tips at least, though he remembered within a week that gratuity was already included in the bill. It wasn't a train of thought he pursued any further than that.

On one of his days off, he went into the city while Niou was still sleeping on the floor beside the bed. He found what he was looking for with surprising ease, and even managed to convey what he wanted in broken German, with some English thrown in as clarification. Both items were put into a brown paper bag.

When he returned Niou was awake, though he hadn't moved from his spot on the floor. The cat was batting at Niou's hair, and he accommodated by moving every so often to keep the target interesting. He shoved the paper bag in front of the other's face without a word. Niou raised an eyebrow and took it, peering inside.

"You bought us wigs," he said the words with an odd intonation of fondness.

"Yes. Yours - mine - needs some work, but they'll do."

"Give me a couple days to practice my barmaid manner, and we'll be good to go."

"I hate to say this -- but will you teach me how to play the accordion?"

"With pleasure."

Toward the end of the week they pulled it off. Yagyuu wasn't sure how he felt about lederhosen, aside from the fact that it was a far step up from the dress. It was a typical day, about half the clientèle their regulars, and the other half tourists drawn in looking for an "authentic" German experience. His German wasn't up to par with Niou's, but Niou had given him the basics of what he'd need to get through the day.

He kind of liked it better when he hadn't known what was being said about him.

Niou played the role of a demure, well-mannered barmaid well. What bothered Yagyuu was that they kept touching him so much. Over the weeks they had been there, Yagyuu had gotten numbed to the fact that it was going to happen; it was another experience entirely to watch it. He was more unsettled than he liked to admit, and took all the self-control he had to keep cracking bawdy jokes and sing slightly off-key when requested.

To his credit, he almost made it to evening before he snapped.

There was one customer who tended to be particularly forward when drunk. Often there was much grabbing, occasional groping, and when Yagyuu was unable to escape he would have to sit on his lap. This was happening to 'Yagyuu' now. The longer it went on, the harder it was to ignore the impulse to smash the guy's face in. He didn't think of himself as a possessive person, except when he was.

'Niou' put down the accordion and walked into the kitchen area. He picked up a plate of potato pancakes and snatched the spatula from the cook before the other could react. Taking aim, he made quick mental adjustments to the move to compensate for the fact he was using neither racket nor tennis ball. It was imperfect, but for the first time that summer he executed the laser beam. He hit his target dead on in the cheek, an explosion of shredded potato and grease.

Afterwards he wasn't sure if it was more for Niou or himself -- he settled for somewhere in between.

There was a moment of stunned silence. Then loud cheering broke out among the Germans and tourists alike, steins rattling as they banged the table in approval. Several called out for him to do it again, and even the one he had hit looked impressed, if a bit dazed.

Niou broke character to smile. "My hero."

Yagyuu stayed in character and grinned. "Puri."

For the first time in weeks Niou got to sleep in a bed. The owner and his wife didn't comment on the less than familial sounds coming from the room, though the next morning Niou slung an arm over Yagyuu's shoulders as he said, "We're really close for siblings." Yagyuu shoved a piece of bread in Niou's mouth and continued to calmly sip his orange juice.

'Niou's thing with the spatula' became an attraction in and of itself. It even diverted some of the attention from Yagyuu, though not a lot. At least it got them both a raise, though there was more work in cleaning up and some debate over whether or not it was justifiable to hit customers with food products, even on request.

One night Niou announced, "I think we have enough to make get tickets back."

Before the words were even fully out of the other's mouth, Yagyuu had kissed him, grabbed the money, and took off downstairs to arrange transportation to the airport. Niou slipped into the bar and said their goodbyes for them, leaving contact information and taking what names and numbers he could in return. Yagyuu didn't bother to pack anything aside from what he had came with, and bid a pleasant farewell to the bar owner and his wife.

It was a close call, but they were put on a flight back the next morning. Yagyuu decided it was better to spend the night in the airport, and Niou didn't mind. They were on opposite sides of the plane for about half the way back, at which point a harried stewardess had Niou switch seats with the woman next to Yagyuu. Distance apparently did nothing to deter Niou from talking to Yagyuu.

The rest of the team was at the airport when they returned, waiting for Jackal's flight to get back from Brazil.

Yagyuu didn't think he had ever been so happy to see them -- he even hugged Sanada.

Marui and Kirihara took to pestering Niou for souvenirs. Yanagi joined Yagyuu and stood quietly beside him while they waited for Jackal, making silent inquiry though asking nothing outright. Yukimura, amused, was helping Sanada cope with the fact that Yagyuu had just hugged him. In public at that.

It was good to be home.

"Niou-senpai, why do you have a dress in your backpack? And these pictures -- Yagyuu-senpai, is that you?!"

At least it wasn't Germany.

I might mess with one or two things, but I think it's mostly done. :D;


;lasjfdkjlaksfd; :D :D :D I don't see anything I'd change. omg it's so weird for some reason to see that actually written out in fic form xDD but it turned out great! ♥


And as much as it HORRIFIES Yagyuu, there may need to be fanart to go along when I finish the stuff I'm working on for Jacon >D
It was mostly the phrasing of a couple things, but it isn't bothering me anymore so I'll probably leave it. XD Thanks~

Aw, c'mon Yagyuu, of course there needs to be picutres. :D :D ♥
Oh, dear god, this is priceless. XDDDD

♥ ♥ ♥
:D! I'm glad you enjoyed it. ♥
SO Fyre sent this to me.

I died because it was amazing and fghldfh'sdh;'gkjsdf and I didn't even like D1 that much but this made me love them. :( Damnit.

But anyway. Yes, it was v. well written and v. funny and oh man I wish I could see Yagyuu in a barmaid outfit. Absolutely fabulous. :)
I'm glad~ it's always good to corrupt people into D1 love. ♥ |D

Thanks! And really, who wouldn't want to see Yagyuu in a barmaid outfit? ;D

I came here from epigrammist's rec and I'm so glad I did. *laughing so hard* <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Good stuff!
Thanks! :D
Came here from epigrammist's rec as well~ =p *grins* I love how you wrote this; I almost tea-sprayed my laptop at the ledenhosen part.

Good, good stuff.
Thank you~ :D I'm glad it wasn't just my bizarre sense of humor that found it amusing writing it.
*laughs* It's definitely not just you! Thanks for writing and sharing it. ^_____^
Came here from axtar's rec (through MSN) and I COULD NOT STOP LAUGHING. Awesome, awesome fic. Really made my day. :D
Thank you! Glad you enjoyed it. :D

August 2011

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